Divorce

One summer on a family road trip around the country, my mom asked the family one of her famously intense questions for which we all give her a hard time.

“What’s your biggest fear?”

My 5th grade brother gave a typically beyond-his-years answer by saying, “Eternity.” I think I said something much less mature like, “Dying in a fire.” What I remember, though, is my mom’s answer. Her voice cracked as she said, “Divorce,” and she took my dad’s hand and was quiet.

Like Eric Beach said in his article, it’s strange for someone like me to be writing about divorce. I’m young and still happily married. What do I know of divorce? When I think of divorce my first reaction is that it’s something that happens to other people. How could it happen to us? After all, we rationally and carefully considered our options and decided to commit to each other for the rest of our lives. We’d never even consider divorce an option. Besides, our marriage counseling was based on Bill Hybel’s book “Fit To Be Tied,” which means we’re set for life (kidding).

The reality, though, is that statistics show that of all the romantic wedding photos that friends have taken over the past few years, somewhere around half will end up hidden away, a painful reminder of dreams deferred. I’m fooling myself if I think we’re all exempt. No one goes into a marriage expecting to be divorced, and yet half end up there. It is a tragedy to let arrogance and fear cause me to disregard divorce. Because of our hidden fear of divorce, we’re failing to deal honestly with the reality of divorce in our communities and neglecting to truly love and help the divorced around us. In the end, we’re only propagating the cycle.

Don’t get me wrong. I hate divorce. I hate the havoc it wreaks in families, the wounds it leaves on hearts, and the childhoods that are lost when parents split. Marriage is the highest expression of love that we can possibly form on this earth. It is the height of intimacy, the deepest possible commitment, and the place for the most passionate love. Divorce takes all of that and breaks it in pieces. It is an absolute betrayal of love. Divorce is such a hot topic these days that it’s hard to convey the gravity of the situation. It IS devastating.

Regardless of that, as long as we live in a broken world, things like our marriages will continue to break. With something as infinitely valuable and important as marriage, we of course have to take and teach every possible caution before making the lifetime commitment that marriage is. We have to continue to face the difficulties of marriage and pour our resources into strengthening and saving them. There is a balance between trying to strengthen marriages and dealing appropriately with the issue of divorce.

“Christianity Today” recently stirred controversy with a featured article on the topic of divorce. I was struck by the editorial by Mark Galli. He spoke about addressing divorce and other similar topics by saying, “This issue….assumes that the lights go out, and with some regularity, even in the church. It assumes that marriages fail, that sexual temptation abides, that shame paralyzes, and that poverty remains rampant.” Galli is emphasizing that divorce should neither surprise nor scare us, since we are all flawed people. Divorce should be recognized as another form of the brokenness in all of us to which we can say, “Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God – through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans 7:24)”

Even while we strengthen marriage, we have to stop reacting to divorcees with fear, as if they were either victims or villains. My divorced friends are, like myself, broken people. The lights have gone out in a devastating way. They have a long road of pain and healing in front of them, and a need for community, love, and truth. There is an immense load of loneliness and guilt that needs processing, as well as a hope for the future that needs to be regained. I might not understand, but I can still be there for them.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 28th, 2007 at 12:46 pm and is filed under All Articles, Divorce. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.